I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
