A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
