Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
