i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize