The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
