How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
