she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
