turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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