Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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