every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
