worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
