this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
