Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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