WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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