her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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