Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
