i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
