I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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