Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The best revenge is premature balding
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize