Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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