Tell her she can't have a vagina
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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