I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
