If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
