I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
