i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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