She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
