I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
FUCK WHALES
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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