I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
