if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
