maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
