One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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