You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
