Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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