He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
