That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
