so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
