So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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