I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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