We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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