I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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