apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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