I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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