I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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