i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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