I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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