So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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