Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
