people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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