Please, let me fuck your mom
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Holy sore nipples Batman
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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