Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's shark week go big or go home
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
