clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
