I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
