I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
