what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
